Not in a million years!
Authors note
English is not my first language, prepare to dance through a few mispronunciations and misspellings.
If someone tells you that raising teenagers is easy, please do me a favor and ask that individual to have their head examined!
Going into parenthood we as individuals often have a clear picture off how we want to raise our children, and how we want them to be. I personally didn’t think much off it; I figured there was plenty of time to figure that part out.
“Oh well, time surely flies!’
Living in the world of social media has not helped our cause as parents.
We live in a society, where most things are posted on the web, and as beneficial and resourceful it can be for most of us, it can ruin a teenagers way of thinking, and how they handle situations and challenges they come across.
A teenager’s reality and perspective is very different from an adult that can recognize the difference between what seems to be reality, versus plain bullshit.
But even as an adult I catch myself making dumb decisions or assumptions left and right!
For a teenager the image is very important, it is about popularity and wanting what the other friends have, there is so much peer pressure to be able to fit in.
Being a teenager in the 80’s was challenging, the stakes were high even back then, everything was right there in your face, and didn’t travel past the word of mouth, or it would be directed straight to your face, with some sarcastic comment, or a nasty phone threat on your land line, or a letter in your locker or desk.
I remember these twin sisters in particular, “the evil twins”, the kind you see in the movies.
They had me on their shit list for some reason, and wanted to make sure their guy friend, who had told them he had a crush on me, would not continue to like me, he’s the one that called me and told me about their nasty remarks about me.
They had told him I was doing drugs, (I was against drugs) and they proceeded to tell him that the reason he found me appealing, was my foreign dark skin, “hold up!”
First off, my genetics are from Slovenia, and my skin is white as snow. Regardless would it have mattered if I was dark?
Living in Sweden, with barely any sun all year around, didn’t help my case.
You would have to visit the tanning salon to get some color, something that was extremely popular in the 80’ s and something I could not afford being a penniless teenager.
I wore foundation to compensate for the lack of glowing skin!
For you that grew up in that era, can relate and can remember, how horrible we looked, with our orange powdered faces and big hair do’s.
The fact that the twins had a problem with my skin color was alarming!They were Basically telling him I was from a different race. (Ignorance is bliss)
I told him calmly to tell them, they could go and buy my skin color at H&M, and I even went to the extent in telling him what number on the hue I was.
Looking back on that scenario and how ridiculous it was to get all worked up over, as a 15 years old girl it was a death sentence! I was crying my eyes out from feeling hurt, and afraid no one would like me if these girls kept spreading rumors about me.
I ended up confronting them and they backed off.
I have to say with certainty, the teenage years were the most stressful years in my life, and you could not pay me to go back in time!
I recently went through a rough patch, with my oldest daughter.
She was only 16 years old, the day I made the decision to send her away.
It has been by far, the hardest decision I ever had to make in regards to one of my children.
Something I never, in my wildest dreams thought would happen to me!
Looking back at the last couple of years, and all the moments we experienced together as mother and daughter, puts a smile to my face.
We have come so far on our journey together, I feel so much closer to her today then I ever have.
We have both grown stronger and wiser (I hope); it feels as if we have come full circle.
We are exactly at that place, I promised her we would be, if she put the work in and she trusted the plan that I had made for her.
Being my first-born she had the benefit to have more attention and alone time with me from the beginning, then any of her three younger siblings.
She was attached to my hip from the day she was born.
I spent endless hours sitting and gazing into her eyes, we went everywhere together. She hung inside of her Baby-Bjorn, attached to me for her entire first year, snuggled up and ready to take on the world.
“Oh boy”, she would make a big fuss when I didn’t bring her along.
People would often stop at our table in the restaurant, “what was my secret? “”How did I keep my baby so content?” “How come my baby sat there so nicely and smiled?”
I think the secret was, I was fortunate enough to be able to quit my job as a flight attendant when she was born, and to stay home with her.
“She was a happy baby with a twinkle in her eye! “
The drawback was, that she never slept in her own crib! She slept in between us her entire first year!
I moved her straight into a toddler bed; by the time she reached 12 months. She was happy as a clam! Smart as a whip she quickly figured out she could climb out of her bed, and come visit me during the night.
Such a clever little child already worked on her manipulating skills at a young age.
You know what they say about the smart kids, they tend to become a problem if they are not stimulated enough.
I didn’t think anything of it, nor worried at the time. (She had separation anxiety,)
She would visit my bedroom almost every night for her first seven years. She would sneak in with her younger sister, lift her up on our bed, and then climb up herself.
Looking back in time, it was so much fun to watch their little act, them not knowing, that I was awake watching them. They looked like little criminals climbing up the wall to escape prison!
She quickly became a role model for all her younger siblings.
By the time she was 10 years old she had two sisters and a brother.
She willingly took on the part of being in charge of them, whenever she saw an opportunity. She wanted to watch the kids and make money.
Maybe I should have stepped in, and not let her grow up so quickly.
Would things have been different down the road? At the time I was proud of how mature she was and independent.
Instead of looking at it as not being the healthiest choice for her, to take on so much responsibility at such a young age, she needed to be a child for a little longer.She wanted to grow up so fast, and I secretly admired her for that strength.
During elementary School she wanted to sing every opportunity she would get,You would see her on stage every time there was an event or talent show in school.
Being in a Catholic school with strict rules, the choice for lyrics was limited, and a challenge, for this outgoing girl.
Her favorite singer at the age of 10 was “Pat Benatar.”
She had a voice of an angel, and being her mother, I naturally had tears in my eyes, listening to her sing.
I remember this one event, when I looked around the room, at the other parents and saw so many happy tears.
In that moment, I knew there was a talented girl in front of us, regardless that she happened to be my own flesh and blood, she touched other people, complete strangers with her presence and talent.
The little kindergartners, used to flock around her while she sang, it was like watching “snow white and the little dwarfs” it was so adorable.
Going forward, we made a big move to Los Angeles, when she started 8th grade, in a public school in the south bay.
It was a far cry, from her very sheltered lifestyle we had built for her.She had been sheltered in a private school, and lived behind gates on 50 acres of raw land, to run freely her first 13 years.
She was a nature child that would often run outside in the rain, or sit on a rock, and howl to the moon pretending to be a wolf.
“She was my “wolf girl.”
Not in a million years did I think for once, my little Angel would ever make choices that might hurt her or others.
She was to sweet, even the animals would gravitate towards her, she would pick up a live chicken, and it would become completely still in her arms, she was special.
She struggled academically, for her first six years in school. Being almost a whole year younger then most of her peers, it became hard for her to keep up.
Had I known what I know today, I would have her wait one more year, before she started elementary school, to give her a chance to mature.
She wrote this beautiful piece at 11 years old that spoke of shattered glass and peoples life’s, it was published in the school forum.
We were all blown away with her words and wisdom, “where did it come from?”
We later found out it was all based on her listening to a priest, that had come and visited the school, it was about his stories from Africa… she got inspired.
After that the love for writing came easy for her, she was a natural.
Later that year she got an award in school for being the closest in spirit to a saint.
“The reason I’m mentioning all these moments, is for everyone to understand that things happen to the best of us, life takes us to places we didn’t expect at times, we can all make mistakes”
Moving to California changed many things for my little girl, she was in a climate that required very little clothing, and she didn’t have to wear uniform.
Her new uniform became a: Tank top, shorts and ugh boots. “A parent’s nightmare” especially the shorts, they weren’t exactly covering much flesh so to speak!
In 8th grade everyone has already formed their clicks that they belong to.
Where could she fit in? She drifted around from click to click, and seemed to be doing fine from the outlook of things. She made a lot of random friends.
She had a hard time finding her peers; I just didn’t know and didn’t see the signs!
What I didn’t realize was, how lost she was. She would not tell me how she felt; she was probably afraid, that I would stick my nose in her business and embarrass her.
I realize today, and have since then learned from all the events that took place, is that you as a parent have to know, who the parents are of your children’s friends, if the parents don’t want to take the time to speak to you, then you know there is most likely no supervision involved, and the red flag is up.
Everything that could go wrong started in freshman year, what started innocent escaladed quickly into major trouble over time.
the constant excuses and lies, manipulations, then on top of that some more covered up lies.
At 14 years old, my girl had already recorded a few songs, in a prominent recording studio.Her ego got big fast, and her popularity grew quickly.
She got herself a boyfriend a popular running back, “a high school girls dream” as a couple they brought out the absolute worst in each other.
She shared very little with me on how bad her relationship became, wanted me to like her boyfriend. There was verbal abuse and later on the hitting started.
He cheated on her and she in return started to run around with the mean girls and party at night, to teach him a lesson.
While I thought they were having innocent movie night and sleepovers, they in reality were rolling peoples houses every weekend, drinking and smoking weed at times.
How could I be so blind? Or naïve? And to top it off the girls would wake up in the morning, pretend to be the sweet little Angels and have me make them pancakes.
“This was all going on while I was a sleep! “ The first time she got caught was by her own grandmother, (my mother in law)
She got caught drinking with friends in my in-laws bar.
I will never forget when my parent in laws sat us down and said they had something to tell us…
When they were finished telling us, that they had caught her with some guys, in their bar at 2 am, the teens were apparently doing shots, mind you she was only 15 years old and the guy had a shaved head. (Supposedly these boys were college students)
The scenario sounded crazy and out of control.
It made me so mad, that she had put her grandparents in a position, where they would be liable for any of the kids, if they got hurt while on their property, or drove away in a car under the influence.
My parent in-laws were afraid my husband at the time would loose his temper.
When he jumped up and headed for my daughters room, they asked me to run after him, what they didn’t anticipate was, that I was the one that needed to be watched.
I was livid, I only saw red, and how could she be this disrespectful? How embarrassing for me, to sit there in front of my husbands parents, like an unfit mother! It became personal!
My little angel had lied to my face all this time, pretending to be this sweet little girl; meanwhile she was doing shots with random guys in my parent in-laws bar,While I was sleeping? Not acceptable! I passed my husband, I basically pushed him aside, went into my daughters room, grabbed her by her long mane, scared the shit out of her girl friend, told her to grab her things and get on the road!
I dragged my daughter by her hair down to my bedroom, cursing, yelling, I was so mad! I wasn’t ready for this! She was too young! Damn her! And looking back at the scenario, it is not my proudest moments as a mother.
I was out of control with rage! My own daughter didn’t recognize me, nor did my husband, the calm, patient mother that I was known for, have become a raging lion.
I don’t believe in hitting children to discipline them, although some kids could use a little spanking once in a while ha-ha.
That’s the day everything started for me with my daughter, there was no more sleep for the next year! She would get grounded left and right, her phone was taken away constantly, each time I thought “ this time she learned her lesson” not the case! She got better at lying and manipulating.
I spent the next year dealing with her sneaking out, catching her and her boyfriend with beer in her room, picking up used condoms on her floor, at one point she dropped a pill bottle that contained weed, straight out of her purse right in front of me, and said she was holding it for her boyfriend.
I flushed it down the toilet, and we had a big talk about how a real boyfriend that loved her, would not put her in that position. (Was it really her boyfriends?)
Especially having her carrying it around school, were they had just recently enforced sniffing dogs that would randomly visit the school, it would ruin her life if she got caught!
There are only so many lectures a parent can have with their child; in the end they will make their own choice.
For me it was so painful to see the transformation I saw in my daughter, Who once had been the angel singing and making people cry? To this out of control teenager that yelled and screamed at me, and lied straight to my face and manipulated me daily. I believed her, thinking she had learned her lesson.
I didn’t want to think she was anything but the little Angel I gave birth to,I became an enabler; (called myself a peace maker) being to trusting
“Complete denial on my part.”
There were days she would come and cry in my arms, when she had one of her breakups with her boyfriend, it hurt so much to see her in so much pain, I would quickly forget all the other things that she had been up to, by feeling sorry for her.
It all came to a stop on Valentines night 2013; I will never look at valentines the same again.
We were having a couple over for dinner, and my husband’s parents were going to join us as well.
The doorbell rang and my husband disappeared for a good hour, my father in law asked me: “what is the mayor doing here?” I was as surprised as him? “No idea?” I answered.
All of a sudden I hear a loud crashing sound, door slamming and some screaming coming from my daughters room, my husband came out completely calm carrying the electric guitar that was in pieces, and the lap top computer belonging to my daughter completely broken. He then proceeded to the stove and started to stir the food in the pan like nothing was wrong, the whole scenario was a little whacky!
I asked him what had happened? He just gave me an annoyed angry look, told me to ask my daughter. (She was always my daughter when she got in trouble)
I tried to get into her room but she had locked herself in with her sister. When they finally open the door they looked like they had seen a ghost.
Her room was upside down, they were so scared, and all I could get out of Alexandra was
“I stole five gold coins from daddy’s safe and sold them”.
I didn’t know what to think?
The guest arrived and I told her to stay in her room…
I went out to the kitchen and tried to reason with my husband, he would not tell me anything of what the mayor’s involvement was.
We sat through dinner acting like nothing was wrong. I played the nice host trying to keep it together. On the inside I was screaming and crying.
“One thing I knew for certain, the shit had hit the fan in a big way!”
And having a husband-acting passive aggressive didn’t help.
I was scheduled to fly to Europe the next day, to see my grandmother and celebrate her 90th birthday.
I was in panic mode, the whole entire night!
Our guests left at midnight, I was worn out, I feel a sleep and didn’t get the details until the next morning, when my husband jumped up out of bed, went to open his safe and saw that all of our gold coins were missing, 15 of them, each worth 2k.
She had stolen 30k worth of coins, all blown up in smoke we later came to find out.
The mayor was a criminal defense attorney, he came to visit us on behalf of his friend’s son that had been one of the three boys, and my daughter had hired to cash in the coins.
The boy had a fake ID and got caught; he went home, told his dad he was in major trouble. The mayor asked if we wanted to press charges?
My husband told him “absolutely not!”
This was our daughter’s doing, she would have to take responsibility for her actions. She had paid the boys for their services; it was as if she was running her own cartel!
She thought if she lived a certain lifestyle, her peers would find her popular, taking them out to dinners, having manicures, taking cab rides to party’s, bought them and herself nice clothes, she even paid her boyfriends 2k to be nice to her.
I later found out when the money was all spent, that the girls would steal occasionally in retail stores, Even the puppy she claimed all her friends had all pitched in to buy, as a gift for her for Christmas was paid for with our stolen money…
What happened after our little realization was instant; one minute my husband is throwing all her clothes and belongings out of her room and into the trunk of our car.
The next minute he buys her a ticket to fly up north, to our old home where my dad was residing at the time, he had me get into the car with them, drive to the airport.
We left the house with everyone crying and screaming, her three siblings were begging me to let her stay.
I was in shock.
He got her on a plane and said, ”she will not return to this house again.”
I couldn’t think straight, what do I do? Everything is happening to fast! I’m supposed to fly to Europe in four hours, I’m a problem solver what do I do?
I can’t leave I need to stay.
He wouldn’t let me stay, he drove me to the airport, we barely spoke to each other the entire car ride, he blamed me for everything, “she was my daughter” “it was my doing”, “don’t you worry about a thing” “ I will deal with her”, “You go ahead fly off”, see you in two weeks.
I got out of the car and slammed the door, got inside the airport terminal in a daze, checked in with a heavy heart, a little voice inside of me kept chirping
“, You cant go, you will not get on that airplane.”
I felt so ill and helpless, I wanted to fix everything, and I didn’t want to leave.
I stood there watching people, lining up to board the plane, I kept moving further and further away from the line.
All of a sudden I see a voicemail lit up on my phone, when I listened to it I panicked, my daughter needed medical attention, she had apparently fainted in the airplane couple times and this man who left me the message was a surgeon, that happened to be onboard.
He had put an IV in her arm after she fainted the second time; he got her in an ambulance when they landed in Portland.
I got hold of my dad, told him to drive to the hospital to find her; I would get on a plane to Portland first thing, and would be there in three hours.
I barely made my flight and my husband ran onboard as they were closing the jet way.
We didn’t speak to each other the whole flight it was too painful.
I was scared I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her?
Apparently she was dehydrated and so stressed out, her body caved in. We got her out of the hospital that same night. She healed up fine within days.
My husband left the next day; I stayed up north for the next two months with my daughter.
I had a weekend break to go see my other children and they came up to visit couple times.
During my time with my daughter and dad (my husband showed up for six days total) we were fighting the entire time.
I learned so much about my daughter, she opened up to me and told me all her secrets, and I had to zip my lips and not judge or comment.
I wrote all her stories, some of them not ideal for a mother to hear or know, but we had come to a place were we were both trapped and felt helpless and needed to vent and reminisce.
It was painful to hear, how lost she had become to a co dependent relationship, with the abuse both mentally and physically.
She had become a criminal and had lost her way, and what scared me the most was, when she told me she couldn’t feel anything, she had no empathy for anyone or anything, and she really didn’t care…
She was so hurt and was protecting herself from feeling; she was protecting the little wolf girl inside of her…
I knew in that instant she needed to get neutralized, to get a fresh start.
She had thrown away all her music talent by choosing party’s and a boyfriend, that didn’t care about her enough to say: “why are you wasting your talent?”
We found these counselors, through a friend that had a similar situation happen to his daughter.
They recommended sending her to the wilderness, for few months and grabbing her in the middle of the night. I agreed to the wilderness, but told them point blank I would deliver her myself, that my boundaries with her would always be honest, and I wanted her to feel safe with any decision I made for her.
The counselors were skeptical based on what they knew from experience, but honored my decision and went ahead and agreed to schedule a spot for her.
I told her about my decision; she threw a fit and pretended to run away, but quickly came back in, after hearing me screaming on top of my lungs,
“That I’d had enough, and that I would call the local police and she would be considered a fugitive, and that she would end up in juve for stealing, and that I would have all her three guy friends charged with the same crime!”
“As I was standing outside in the dark, and the rain completely soaked me, I seriously thought I was about to go insane.”
I was done my nerves could not take it anymore I was exhausted. I told her she had 10 min then I was calling.
We had a few episodes, were we lost our temper with each other over the next week.
I had her sleep next to me to make sure she wasn’t running we were both in so much pain.
I was hurting from seeing her pain, she was upset because she realized for the first time she could no longer manipulate, or lie herself out of this situation “it was over.”
She had lost everything she took for granted, and what scared her the most was not knowing how long this was going to last, it was open ended.
At 16 years old we had the legal right, to make any decision we felt would be healthy for her, and that would all end the day she turned 18. We were told it was lucky we caught her at this age.
We were on our second week when my husband and other kids came up to visit, it was a bitter sweet good bye trip, she was ready to be driven to Colorado for her big out door adventure in a few days.
My husband insisted we go to MT Hood to ski, I personally felt it was a bad idea and fought with him, “something could happened to her?” and everything I had planned would be ruined, and it was prime time for me to return to my other children, they needed me as well.
There was no discussion “we were going to ski end of story “so we went and on our last run on the slopes, my daughter went down the black diamond with her dad and grand father, fell forward, rolled down and the ski did not release.
She tore her ACL and meniscus her leg was trashed! She could barely stand.
“so much for the wilderness in a cast.”
We had to wait six weeks to get surgery and I needed to find plan B.
I was recommended to a school in Utah that operates as a high school and a treatment center for children of all walks of life. Anything from behavioral to personality disorders, we weren’t sure what our daughters prognosis was going to be, until she got admitted and had spent some time there.
I traveled alone to visit the school with a heavy heart.
I meet the staff and four girls that were there, to have me interview them and for them to tell me their stories and journey of life.
I was crying through the whole session, these were girls just like my own daughter, they had all lost their way with drugs, some had been rapped or trafficked, the list is long for all the different reasons why they were there, my daughter was a perfect fit.
The decision was made that day, the only way my daughter would have a chance to build herself back, was to be in an environment that only offered support and discipline and routine, were she was accountable for her own actions.
She would still get her High school education she was a junior in high school.
I flew home that day feeling sad and relieved, I had found my answer.
When I got home and told her she threw another fit. I gave her a choice, I told her I had given her a plate of opportunities, and she had tipped the plate to many times.
She needed to trust my decision, and that I would always be honest with her, and that she was safe with me.
Her choice was either to go to the school, start fresh, build herself back up, get back on her feet and to work on her music, or I would send her to juvenile.
I told her to look up the school and let me know in the morning, what her choice would be… she came to me the next morning, and said ” when can I go?” I responded “Not until after surgery in 6 weeks”.
She spent nine months at the school, it was a hard year to have her gone, I visited her every month and she got to come home, for two visits towards the end.
We moved to a different house, and had her continue independent study from home, to finish her last few months of High School.
The good news was that she did not have any personality disorders; she was emotionally immature and made decision based on her maturity level and was not able to handle situations she was put in. Part of that was, being a year to two years younger, then most her peers in her grade.
She came home graduated from Utah with 22 songs written Ten months from the day we sent her away.
She had developed her own tone of voice and it spoke about the girls and herself in her beautiful lyrics.
Something she would not have done if she had stayed back home.
Today, almost two years later she is 18 years old, she recently got signed with a music manager, she is scheduled for recording and writing lyrics with top producers in a recording studio, that believe in her.
Her career has come to fruition from the work she put in
I’m so proud of how far she has come, and wanted to share my story and journey I took with my daughter.
I feel so lucky that my nightmare ended on a positive note.
Since she came home she has also helped two women with their daughters that were referred to us, they have been placed in the same program as her and are doing very well.
She has become the role model of teenagers just like herself.
I love you so much my little wolf girl….
My advice to anyone struggling
Never give up.
Stay true to yourself always…
Don’t be afraid to ask for help…
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